Surfacing

Well, here we are, home almost 3 months, and I think maybe this is my 2nd or 3rd post in all that time. They say you need as much time back home, as you had away to readjust and this time, that certainly has been the reality. And, truthfully, not all the way there just yet.

So, we came home. Malia went back to school and this year has a loving, awesome teacher-  yes!!  Mama has stayed home with Shaela and thank God, b/c I couldn't get through a day where I HAD to be "on" like I am at school, where 75 young people, and a number of adults count on me... no way.  See, I am pretty dang sure the PADS (Post Adoption Depression Syndrome) monster bit me in the rear, even before were left Addis, took hold in Portugal and settled in, in Canada.  I was sad, I was mad, I was achy, I was tired and I feeling very disconnected... especially from Shaela.  I knew it had taken me a month to attach to Malia, so I wasn't worried, at first, but then a month turned into 2, 3 and then 5 and I still felt that, though I "loved" our new little lady, I didn't LOOOOVE her.  I went through the motions, I hugged, kissed, dressed, bathed, fed her (and oy this kidlette can EAT :), but the feeling that I had somehow messed up what Malia and I had, had as a little family prevailed, especially when Malia's behaviour regressed, or she felt left out.  I found myself edgy and ANGRY- a. lot.
Finally, about a month ago, I took a deep breath, read up on PADS and got my rear to the doctor.

In God's gracious way, he made sure my own gp was unavailable and instead I saw a nurse practitioner who REA:LLY listened, who didn't poo-poo PADS and who not only ordered a zillion and one medical tests, but got me started on a mild anti-depressant that, after the initial week of hot flash and crazy anxiety hell as it made a base in my body, I guess, has helped-  immensely.

In the meantime, keeping our lives as normal as possible, we had Malia's 5th bday, her dental surgery to cap and resurface 9 teeth, company from Portugal for 3 weeks, Shaela's baptism, a fabulous first report card and Parent-teacher interview, annual family photos, and some days trips to make memories.
I am much, much, MUCH more attached to Shaela now and "my daughterS" is not a phrase foreign to my thinking anymore. She is an awesome, adorable, spunky, willful little charmer. She is taking about 5 steps at a time and then her ample booty and gravity take over. She adores her big sister and loves to imitate, but not yet saying anything of note, though we can tell she certainly understands. Shaela's preferred human, maybe even over us, is Vô-Vô (aka the baby whisperer). She is 15 months old today. :)
Malia loves her little sis most days, though she has the odd "jealous" moments- normal after being the center of attention for 4 1/2 years. She is writing phonetically and sometimes dead on. She loves to sing and dance as always and Shaela is following suit.

Right now, baby chick is sleeping and the big one is at school. Mama has a CAT scan at 12:45pm, so as soon as I add some pics to this post, I am going to gussy up a tad more than bed head and sheet wrinkles on my face. :)