Round Two... continued. Finally.

My head is killing me, my throat feels like it is growing a very painful science experiment, my neck and shoulders like a gorilla has boxed them- I am thinking flu. And, I am thinking- sh*t, why now? But, hey, it goes like it goes.

So, what am I doing when I should be resting (and actually can b/c I have an early, out of town doctor's appt, so my parents have Malia tonight)? I am finally doing a real blog post. The one people not on FB (yeah, I went to the dark side b/c that's where all the adoption stuff regarding my agency was being posted) have been waiting for. The one that explains if there will be a baby sista, after all.

Okay, the optimistic, and likely very true answer is yes. The agency rose from the ashes, a battered, but hopefully viable, phoenix (and after much on the part of many) on October 1st. Myself, and all the other families who have too much invested with IA, emotionally and financially, will now have to pay another $4,000 in 2 installments to make sure the bird actually takes flight. Technically, I guess, I am exactly where I was in the process when the agency bellied up mid-July. However, though I know the new board is being conservative, and things could possibly happen sooner, there may not be any referrals forthcoming until April 2009.

I turned 50 a few days ago... I want my new daughter, I want Malia to be a big sister, but the fear grows a little more each day. I will likely be 51 by the time she is in my arms- can I do it with a little one again? Mal will be almost 4 when my next b-day happens, will she still be young enough to truly appreciate and bond and BE CRAZY CLOSE WITH our new little one, as I so, so hope?

My age request was under 14 months at the time of placement... Part of me wants to up that to 24 months, and part of me nearly throws up at the thought of losing so much of her early growing up, of possibly opening our family up to attachment issues (these are big on my mind these days with all of the "disruption" talk on blogs, the media etc... and with Corey's heartbreaking situation) of not having with her what I took for granted with Mal.

I know I have to pray about it and then be open to receive an answer. I know I have to trust that what needs to happen is what will happen, not only for us, but for our unknown daughter.

The waiting is hard, but at least that it is what we are doing again- actively waiting. Malia and I are in the top 70 families, of 210 with dossiers IN Ethiopia when the agency crashed. With Grace, the referrals will start next month, with Grace, I am closer to the "go open your email and meet your new daughter" stage than I am to the simply applauding everyone else's good news stage. With Grace, our child will be just that OUR child. Prayers, good thoughts, sacrificial burning, naked dancing etc always appreciated for positive energy.

And, right now, the gorilla that was boxing my upper body, has now sat on it for good measure and my tummy is tired of the turkey I had earlier today and wants it to vacate, so.... (nah, I won't finish that thought!)