Those of you on my Facebook page know that at least 3 or 4 times a week, my status updates are quite simply the hysterical stuff that unexpectedly comes out of Malía's mouth.. She keeps me, my parents, friends and family laughing, for sure, with her wit (sometimes conscious!) and intelligence, but when I look back on the memories we're making, it's the profound moments between us, the quieter reflective conversations that I am most struck by. Last night brought another one of those moments.
As I was getting her ready for bed, she looked at the picture of Kaia on the wall in my bedroom. She has seen it there all her life, and recently she did ask who she was, more specifically, and was very moved that she was gone, but I didn't realize that she'd really thought about her beyond that moment. But she had, and about her connection to the "older" sister she will never meet..
Malia: (eyes on Kaia's picture) Mama, did you love your first baby? Did you love Kaia?
Me: Yes, Malia. I did.
Malia: Did you cry when she died?
Me Yes, for a very long time. But, then I became happy again when I became your mama, too.
Malia: Why do you love me, Mom?
Me: Because you're my daughter and you're an awesome little girl. You make me happy every day.
Malia: And you love me when you're mad, too, right?
Me: Always.
Malia: (putting her arms around my neck) Mama, I won't get a fever and die. I won't die like Kaia and leave you, okay?
Me: Oh baby, of course not. (and in my heart thinking- dear God I hope never...)
Malia: (after a beat) Mama?
Me: Yes, Mal? It's time to go to sleep. Come on, bed. Bed.
Malia: Mama, when we go to Ethiopia to get my sister, my real alive sister, will we see my first mother? Will we see Bethlehem?
Me: I want to, but I am not sure we can. Do you want to?
Malia: Yes, I want to see her face.
Me: (waiting) Oh?
Malia: I want to tell her something.
Me: What do you want to tell her?
Malia: I want to say thank you for giving me to you and Jesus, too.
Me:(a little choked up) Aw, honey. That's why I want to see her, too. I want to say thank you for my beautiful little girl I want her to see that you are okay..
(and then I tucked her in and sang her a "song about me and my sisters and we are princesses in Ethiopia in Tiana dresses, okay Mama?")
Malia: (As I am leaving to go make her lunch for school the next day) Mama?
Me: (thinking it's a stall tactic b/c that's her m.o. at bedtime) Ah, come on Malia. Just go to sleep.
Malia: But, Mama I want to tell you something.
Me: Tell me and then sleep, no more talking.
Malia: Mama, I love you, Mommy. (and she threw her arms around me again) I love you so, so much.
Me: I love you too, now go. to. sleep!
Malia: Mama?
Me: Malia!
Malia: Mom, listen to me! Kaia is sleeping too, okay? Good night, Mama my mommy.
Goodnight my amazing baby wonder girl.
5 comments:
What a wonderful, sensitive, clever girl you have! I am privileged to be able to read your ongoing family story. I hope one day to be able to post about my family too. Almost 17 months waiting today.
She is one special little girl.
yes. she is a very special girl. So insightful at such a young age.
She is such a special treasure.
Honestly, Luci...the tears began to flow immediately. She is such a blessing. Her love, and bravery, her soul connection, her miraculous "being"....can help fill in some of the sadness left by losing Kaia. And ohhhh just to meet Olivia's birth mamma....if only to hug and cry with her.
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