Today, I feel like crying.
Nothing really happened. I am just feeling alone. Isolated. different.
Story of my life, really. I always seemed to be one step ahead, growing up- breaking ground, seeing things differently. I didn't choose to be a rebel, I just was.
My best teachers loved it and encouraged it. My least fave, were afraid of it.
My way of being kept me from being part of just one clique, though, so I always had friends when people were in fighting, back stabbing.
In my family, it had pluses and minuses:
Plus: my brother and cousins looked up to me, I was called original and intelligent
Minus: I heard a lot how I was "not like anyone else in the family" and not exactly as a compliment...
Basically, I have always just gone my own way.
At 33, Portuguese, Catholic and a woman, I told my parents that if I didn't meet Mr. Right, I planned to get pregnant anyway, be a single mother. My mother acted like I had just said I was going into prostitution, and though I never saw it, I wouldn't be surprised if she asked relatives to go to Fatima on my behalf. She didn't want her daughter ruining the family name, being the one people whispered about.
My dad looked like I had hit him with an anvil, but I can't recall what he said, if anything.
It took me almost 10 years to actually make good on that plan/prediction/threat. By then I was 43, technically too old to start a family, but that's what I did.
I won't go into specifics, but by the time I decided to adopt, at 46, I had been through a miscarriage, a chem pregnancy, an ectopic that nearly took my life, and an IVF that should have worked, but somehow didn't.
My parents only found out I had been trying with that ectopic. My mother had her typical reaction, and my dad wanted to know why, if they could transplant a pig's heart into a human, they couldn't move a baby from a fallopian tube into a uterus. Up until that moment, I had endured all the trying and sadness and failure, alone.
My typical M.O.
So, fast forward a few years, like to right now- I have a beautiful, amazing, intelligent wonderful child. I love her more than anything. Like most moms with one, I am hoping and praying for a second. But, unlike most moms, I am 51.
This year I get my "pin" for having taught for 25 years with this board. But, I have actually been teaching for 27 years. Most of the staff is in my age group. Most of the staff have kids. Most of the staff is from this area. But, none of the staff that falls into those categories, have kids under 10... no one anywhere near my age has a soon to be 4 year old, that's for sure.
At the staff mtg today, in the few minutes before the official business got started, the teachers sitting with me were talking about their kids:
AM, 48, was lamenting about her son's GF troubles- he's 19. She's hoping his older brother will take a minute to talk to him.
SZ, 51, is wondering if her youngest boys (twins) remembered to go to homework club- she had her last kids "late", but even so, they'll be turning 12 in January.
JS is telling them that University tuitions are killing him- his son and daughter are 21 and 18, respectively.
And, me? I am sitting there, half-listening, wondering if Malia's fruit cup leaked in her lunch, wondering if she remembered to put up her hand, instead of blurting her answers out in class- she is in j/k.
And suddenly, I just felt different.
Again.
Yes, I am no longer the single woman tagging along with married friends, a reluctant 5th wheel. Yes, I now share the in the hallowed ranks of "mother".
But, I am older.
Truthfully, I am old.
Too old?
Oh I am sure there are other mothers of children Malia's age that are my age, or very close to it, but they aren't here where I can meet them, speak to them, share a coffee, a play group- anything.
Last weekend we were at a family wedding- one cousin, aged 46 presented her GRAND DAUGHTER, newly born. Another aged 51, was marrying off her 26 year old son.
And I was getting indigestion from popping up every few minutes to check where Malia had gone, to try to get her to eat, to be sure she wasn't hurting her "sick arm".
I am just getting started when others are in the process of "finishing".
Most days it is a wonderful thing and doesn't bother me at all. Truth is, I don't Even think about it, most days.
But, today, as still no happy referral news has come for ANYONE, least of all me, for weeks and weeks, Today, as I register for a retirement benefits work shop, Today as I wonder how much deeper my under eye circles will get before they're visible at the BACK of my head, I feel it.
And, I feel like crying.
Because I am different.
And I am no longer ahead of the pack.. I am far, far behind.
14 comments:
Who cares about the pack...you have to do what's right for you. Sorry you're struggling though. {{{hugs}}}
See? Blame it on October. ;-)
I am sorry you got caught feeling like you were on the wrong time schedule.
In reality, you were right on time for the little girl who needed you most, and the one you're waiting on still.
Love you, girl.
xoxo
Oh....my darlin'....come here a get a hug!!!!!! Frig...you made me cry!! We all feel old...some of us are old...some younger moms wish THEY were older...to know what we know. Our kids love us...the bags and all. You may feel lonely....isolated...but you are never ALONE!!!
Croosing my fingers for you!!
I have to also agree...who cares about the pack. You are an individual. You did whats right for you now. Sure it didn't go as you planned years ago but look what you have now. You can't change what happened in the past but you can enjoy the future.
oh sweetie! just cry!!! I understand what its like being the square peg... for me its the opposite though. Most women my age are just marrying and having their first babies. My oldest is well into puberty sporting a bra and my youngest will be school age next year. your weird and wonderful and odd, and I must say its always refreshing to meet someone who is breaking the mold of what everyone else is doing.
((hugs)) hope tomorrow is better and that your referral surprises you soon!
From a girl who has always been "different" I feel you. I also know what it is like to try and try and try to make something be and the wind carries me in another direction.
I hate the saying "things happen for a reason" probably because of the truth in it. There is purpose in it all.
We become parents when we are supposed to I believe. Look at me - I have a 19 year age difference! I still long for another little one, but the reality for me is - there is no way I could handle it. I don't have the support system (namely grandparents) in place to make two doable.
I keep hoping for you. Your heart knows when to hold on and when to let go. Often circumstances will help that along.
I wish I was there to give you a hug and to play with Malia.
One thing for sure about the aging thing - eventually we all get there :)
You're always in my heart.
I can totally relate. I am 46 and sitting on my phone waiting for a referral.
Yes, l4 years ago I said I was going to adopt, and my family almost all had a coronary. Unfortunately, I let l4 years slide.. and now I sit. Yes, they still had a coronary this time, but I told them I really didn't give a care anymore. However, I am a little bitter that I let their opinion sway me so much.
I have lost WAY too much sleep worrying about my age. I hate that the vast majority are 30 and adopting. Even though I agree who cares, I care. Honestly, I would give anything to go back seven years and adopt.
Yes, I was able to travel the world, but I could have done that after the kids..like normal people.. instead of being the youngest person on trips.
From one square peg to another; I understand about not fitting in. My parents thought I was nuts when I told them I was adopting. Different strokes for different folks.
I'm also single, 48 with a 5, 7, 22& 24 year olds kids. When I compare how I parented the oldest kids vs my little ones, I know I had more patience & especially much more energy with the big kids. But it is what it is and I would have always regretted not doing this if I hadn't - I just wish I had done it a few years earlier. It's gonna be tough being in my 60's with teenagers.
Follow your heart & do whats best for you.
Hugs
Normally I'm a lurker - I come by way of the Johnson-McCormick blog and while I've never commented before I do enjoy reading about you raising Malia. Your recent post resonated with me deeply and I found comfort in it. See while it was your lament I see it as encouragement for me. I'll be 45 this year and my bud hasn't bloomed yet either. While my peers have been married for 20+ years, have teens or college age children and in some cases have grandchildren...I'm still single, still childless and still in graduate school. What keeps me hopefully is reminding my self of women who were late bloomers (Julia Child didn't learn to cook until she was almost 40 and didn't launch her popular show until she was 50, Phyliss Diller became a comedian at the age of 37. She was told by many club owners that she was "too old" to become a success, Mary Wesley was 71 when her first novel was published.)
I know life isn't what we imagine but if you really think about it..is that so bad?
Here's to better days and unscripted lives.
now back to the shadows I go.
be blessed,
K
I am sorry you are going through a rough patch. I think you are wonderful! I hope things get better!
I'm an old mom, too. Yes, I have 2 older boys, almost 17 and 18 (adopted), and am going thru what your friends are with their older children. They are adopted. I, too, tried to get pregnant but my body would not cooperate. But i also have twin 5 yr olds and some days I feel VERY old and slow and think about all the things I did with my boys when I had more energy. I got very little support and have no nearby grandparents. My friends can't believe I wanted to "start all over". But I am older, calmer, more secure, done with all the dating and men drama. I can retire when they reach the difficult teen years. There are definitely positives to being an "old mom". Let's look at the positives....there are a lot of them.
Fellow Square Peg
Hey, I am late on commenting but I have been thinking about this quite a bit. I think it is natural for us single moms to be square pegs - I mean really -who not only pays for the privilege of the hardest job on the planet, but loves doing it. The beautiful truth that is your family comes from the years that brought you to Malia. You are square peg that will show her that being different is wonderful just by being you.
I really enjoyed reading your post. While I'm not quite 50 yet I will hit 40 in a couple of weeks and just adopted a then 2 year old earlier this year. The thing that makes my age even more noticable beyond all the friends that have kids old enough to babysit, is that I have an identical twin sister who has a daughter that is a freshman in college (yes college) and a 12 year old. Being a twin folks have always compared us and continue to do so.
However, as was said in a couple of comments, we are more stable. I definitely was not ready to do this in my late 20s mainly because I was in grad school. But while I had a chance to do lots of traveling & other things before my sons, I'd like to think that the two of us will be able to do these things. I wouldn't have been able to do this with him when I was younger. I guess there are trade offs to everything and they say the grass is greener on the otherside. What I miss most is my being able to do things on the spur of the moment. No more of that for me!
You are still ahead of the pack. How many have the courage to raise a child as a single parent? How many have adopted? How many have children that don't look like them, or are from a different culture? You are still a rebel and doing things the way your heart speaks for you to do them. Not intentionally, but because you view things from a wider lens. You are not the only one out there, but most of us are separated by distances and therefore feel alone.
I am 47 and do have two bio children. The marriage didn't work out. I raised them into intelligent, caring, contributing adults despite all the comments and reports back then that they would not turn out well do to my unmarried status. I now have adopted two beautiful girls 3 and 4 and people call me crazy to start over again. I beg to differ, but I feel quite sane. I just don't understand everyone else all the time. :-)
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