Mama Bear Roars Again

I am an educator, and as such, I tend to respect and defend the school system, for the most part. But, lately, I am having reservations about having started Malia in j/k this year (even if she only goes 4 out 5 days) and furthermore, having started her in the school she's attending, regardless of how many interviews we had to endure to get in there.  (which, btw, I chose not only for its stimulation in being french immersion, but for its stellar ranking and reputation)

Those of you who actually know Malia, but also those who just peak in on her here, or on facebook, know that she is a bright, happy, goofy, sensitive, little girl.  She is well advanced in many areas, like language (the kid can speak 2 fluently and is well on the way to that in the 3rd), motor skills, critcal and abstract thinking, empathy etc etc, but she is also just a typical 4 year old.  She can be stubborn, fearful., pouty and sometimes downright exasperating.  She's a child, first and foremost.

Well, I have been getting these notes in Malia's communications book from the teacher-  "Malia is refusing to communicate in french since returning from Christmas Holidays", "Malia isn't listening, and rewards have no effect- she says she doesn't care", "Malia is no longer writing her name, she is only scribbling and taking a long time to do so making her unable to finish her other work."

I have addressed each, in turn, with Malia, but after yesterday's I also had to ask myself-  just what the hell is really going on?  Malia has been able to print her name in upper and lower case forever, Malia can sit for hours watching a musical, or painting something, Malia is now taking violin and prefers to use the actual names for the notes, strings etc, not the cutesy nicknames the teacher has as alternatives-  this kid CAN concentrate and more than that CAN LEARN.  So, again, what is going on?

I had a long convo with Malia, and then I answered the teacher, very nicely, but very firmly.

a) on the issue of Malia not always listening, or talking out of turn: 
yup, agreed, she'll do that  HOWEVER constantly moving her seating so that she is always at a different table centers her out as "the bad kid", it does nothing to address the CONCERN itself. Malia is the only one being moved, so she internalizes that she is naughty and it hurts. She doesn't lash out at her beloved teacher, but she wants the teacher to notice her, to see her, so she does it again, and again... and again. Then, she comes home and has nightmares.  And she wonders if this child or that child will still be her friend b/c she is not allowed to sit with him or her anymore.

b) on the issue of Malia suddenly not being able to put on her footwear, or print her name, or do up a button on her coat:
yes, she can
she doesn't want to
she wants YOU to b/c she just wants YOU to help HER like she sees you help others. The difference is THEY really need it, and she doesn't.
It's hard sometimes to be the class' "best french speaker", or the "Élève du Mois" (which she got in december). Certainly, she loves the attention and didn't even stutter when she recited, on her own, in front of her whole school at Christmas Mass, but she wants the little things, too, and that's why she'll ask you again if you can please look at her boo-boo. And when you don't, when you tell her she is capable of taking care of it, herself, she sets out to prove you wrong.  
She wants a small touch and a smile just for being a child, and when  being much "more" is what is expected of her, she will turn her precise "here" in to "he-o" b/c baby talk is cute and smiled at, and she'll stop speaking French so you can take a second to make her do it right.

c) on the issue of Malia being sloppy with her work:
i) why the hell does she have WORK? and ii) see all of the above

If you become frustrated (and believe me, Mal can push buttons) b/c you know she can do better, can do "it" etc, and just leave her to her own devices, she'll instead show you she can't, she'll show you you're needed... by HER, too.

I also let the teacher know that I needed her to be aware that what she does, however small, becomes the standard for the kids and that, in the case of a child of colour and an adopted child, at that, what she did could create healthy self-image, or just as easily, cast shadow on who Malia is.

See, I saw a picture of two kids playing in the snow that Malia coloured, hanging over her little locker. All the other kids had that picture too. I wa surprised to see that Malia had coloured both children "peach", as she often makes at least one "beautiful  brown like me, Mama". I questioned her and she stated that, that was how Madame had coloured them, so it was right and that was how she would colour them.
I told the teacher that the ethnic diversity was another reason I chose that school for Malia and that, that had to extend to more than just seeing other kids like her, and of many different skin tones and hair textures, but to seeing them in books read, videos watched, pictures coloured.

In generic notes home asking our help with mittens, collecting money etc etc, her teacher likes to say she needs our help b/c she has 18 kids, so can't be expected to watch out for each individually in these things all the time.   I let her know that I get that- I have 24 kids TIMES THREE CLASSES (so 72 kids)- and that I would watch for the mittens, and which day was which activity and when money for milk and read-a-thon and whatever else was due, but that I asked her to please just watch out for one thing that I couldn't in those hours when Malia and I are separated and that is how my daughter is feeling.

Now, I didn't say all this, not LIKE this, anyway, but I did make it very clear that Malia feels a somewhat removed from her love, and "different" sometimes b/c she doesn't seem to NEED it in the same way that others do, but in truth, b/c she is a child, a little girl, it's essential. She wants to be noticed with positive attention, not only correction


Yeah, Mama Bear came out, even if she did so diplomatically, and took up 2 1/2 precious pages of the communications book.

When Mal came home today, she was smiling. She hadn't gotten any time outs, she had spoken french, she had a sticker on her "work" and a bravo from her teacher for a reason she couldn't remember.  The note back in her comunications book simply said "Noted, merci" and  a smiley face, which could mean anything from "yeah, yeah, yeah, f*ck off" to "oops- I get it now" , but either way, MALIA seems to be happy and that's all that matters.

Period.