High Anxiety

It's not just the name of a movie, it's the way I feel so much of the time, that it's basically the new "normal".

And, I hate it.

I do have things going on in my life that are beyond my control, but this feels different-  like something is "off". I mean, it's normal to be stressed with not knowing when anything will swing in our favour with Little Sis' adoption (new MOWA directives have affected a number of the orphanages our newly resurrected agency worked with and referrals are, yet again, at a stand still...). It's normal to be affected by negative things going on in the extended family that have hurt relationships, and very directly impact me/Malia. But, it is NOT normal (I think anyway) to have my heart beating frantically b/c the school I have Malía registered into for JK in September (the one where she is currently in preschool) requires me to meet with the Superintendent and Principal b/c Mal doesn't have a fluidly French speaking parent!  Even though I have been rethinking sending her (all day, every day kindergarten seems excessive at her age) for the full schedule, and this is standard procedure, I understand, I am still so on edge about it, feel like we're being "judged" and stressing that we might not measure up.  And, that's just one example of the stuff I "over worry" about.

I do have a doctor's appointment tonight for Malia and myself (originally made just routinely) but I need to bring the anxiety issue up and really have him listen.  I am wondering if my weight loss may have triggered some kind of  hormone thingy, or if the sudden onset of hot flashes (seriously, these SUCK!) could be doing something to make me feel this way (b/c my vision in hearing seem funky, too!). I just want to stop feeling so on edge, so much like "something" (and not of the good variety) is hiding in wait. I don't want to fear going to sleep b/c too many nights I have awakened with my adrenaline rushing so hard that I feel physical pain.

 I want the "old" normal, please.