"Mama?", she asks in a tremulous voice.
I wake and look at her.
"Please, I want to come to your bed."
This is the scene at our house about 3 times a week. Sometimes, I move over and pull her up onto the bed. But, lately, I guide her back to her own room. Two things can happen if I do the latter- she accepts her fate and goes back to sleep, without a fuss OR she begs, cries, negotiates until she either exhausts herself (and yes, I make many trips in, or speak from my room, so she knows I am still near) or I relent in the name of getting some rest, myself.
Sleep, for Malía, has never been easy. I can recall, in Addis, nearly having a breakdown as she'd wake, once 11 times in one night, screaming (even with a full belly) and then be up for the day at 5am. That was our reality for 9 1/2 weeks.
Once home, and I could put her on soy formula, have a constant environment, stability in her life, things settled somewhat, but then the night terrors returned. They were present during, or upon waking from naps, too.
I ordered sleep enducing CD's, did calming massage with her, made sure we had a routine, read every book I could get my hands on (and The Baby Whisperer Solves ALL of Your Problems really did help), but nothing turned my happy, loving little girl into a peaceful, sleeping beauty.
As she grew and became better able to articulate her feelings (and for Mal, this came remarkably early- she was forming simple sentences at about 20 months) I learned that she was scared. I learned that monsters often came to visit. I learned that she thought I was going "to go away, Mama".
My daughter had not had an extended stay in the orphanage, but she had, had trauma. Big trauma. She may have been 4 months, 9 days old when I carried her out through the gates of Hope, forever, but in that time she had lost her first mother's touch and breast at 2 1/2 months old, then only had another month and a half to adjust to a new place, new faces, new food when it suddenly happened, again. I also have no idea what happened to her during the time with her Enat. I am imagining that, though I am sure she was wholly loved (she was solid, clear eyed and robust from the first referral picture sent only 1 day after she arrived at the orphanage), she also had to endure some phycial pain b/c her little face was pretty much discoloured and scratched raw around her mouth, chin and up to her cheeks from a fungus that clotrimazole much later eradicated. The first time she saw a chicken (at 8 months old) sent her into hysterics, whereas all other animals were reached for, babbled happily at. A stone chicken in someone's garden had the same effect.
I believe, strongly, that my baby was traumatized, confused, and she was grieving. And, the grieving then gave way to fear that fresh grief was just around the corner.
She was 18 months old we travelled to Portugal for the summer. She had been sleeping quite well the last few months. I was finally breathing easier. That first night, in our apartment- she woke in total terror. An hour later, she settled enough to fall back asleep, and little by little, each night was more restful, though falling asleep was still a trial.
Upon return to Canada, with only one "turn around" day before I went back to work, and she into Daycare, the fun began- there were many nights when she wasn't the only one crying in the dark. I recall blogging about it to vent, to seek the advice of others, to keep from losing my mind. Even though I was with her through the changes, some dormant fear had awakened- sleep was not a safe place for her... again.
Over a year and a half has passed. During the day, Malia is happy and basically, carefree, as should be the life of an energetic 3 year old, but at night... At night, though we have gone through many stages of the sleep variance, it still is not a state where she can truly rest. Even before she finally comes to me, hopeful to be taken into Mama's bed, she has awakened and cried out. Sometimes she sits bolt upright, eyes open, but unseeing and shouts No! and Stop it! and "Mama, where are you?!!" Nihgt lights, monster sprays, special bedding, prayers... nonthing is a permanent "fix". Not even co-sleeping- she still kicks and sits up, she struggles in a troubled sleep before calm finally settles.
In the morning, she will tell me of bad dreams where she couldn't find me, or where monsters came, or of "beau'iful dreams" where she chased the monsters away, or was dancing round and round.
Last night, we had a mish mash of all of it. This morning, as we were about to leave the house, she exclaimed, "Mama, I stayed in my own bed aaaaaall night!" I don't think she recalls her scream at 10:15pm, or her sleeptalking/arguing with the unseen right after that, or her hopeful entreating at 1:48am, or finally falling back asleep closer to 3am.
But I do. I always do.
5 comments:
I can relate with so much of this. When I went to Eth, it was just me & Sam for the first 3 weeks. And although he was a lovely, charming, and snuggly baby...that was during the day. At night he would scream as if I was stabbing him. He would wake 5-10 times in the night. I didn't know what night terrors were, but I thought it was ME, that I was doing something wrong, which was odd because he seemed just fine with me during the days.
Upon our return home it was similar. He didn't wake as often but TO THIS DAY (we've been home almost 8 months) he NEVER wakes from a nap or in the morning without crying. He doesn't just stand in his crib and call for us...like other moms describe. Nope. He screams. And he has night terrors and "nap" terrors about 4 times a month and they scare the shit out of me.
I'm sure Sam had trauma, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Other than hold him close and kiss his face and tell him I'm there. And try not to scream myself.
I wish I had the answers, Meg. Tonight, she went to bed no issues, and fell asleep about 30 minutes later after chattering with her alligator, `Louis`(the current fav lovey) for a while. it comes, it goes, and hopefully for both our kidlettes (and btw, your son is beautiful!) it will goooo- permanently! hugs
I feel for you. I let Dori sleep with me to cut down on being up in the night. She regularly wakes in the night. If I am there she goes right back to sleep. If I am not she wakes up and it takes hours for both of us to go back to sleep.
I am so sorry about Malia's night terrors. Although it is some what comforting to know we are not alone.
Ah, yes, I can relate SO well to this post. I have three kids and my middle child is the poor sleeper -- always has been, perhaps always will be. I've tried to analyze it, lord knows we've tried EVERYTHING to improve it, and I've come to the conclusion that it is what it is. Most nights, I have to lie with him until he falls asleep. Most nights I end up sleeping with him in his bed sometime after midnight, after being screamed awake. My husband isn't thrilled with it, but as I've said, we've tried it all... I find myself thinking often about the last time I had a full night's sleep -- a mere 5 years ago!
This made me cry,L. Olivia suffered so much so long, before I completely relented, bought a bigger bed, and we co-sleep. The terrors are all but gone, she can successfully sleep over at cousins, and sleep on our futon with her cousins when they are here. However this is just in the last year or so. She just turned . If she dreams, she can be comforted by my touch.
Sleep terror is so sad...it seems it goes to the core.....a place we cannot possibly touch or soothe. But we are always there, none-the-less.
Better sleep your way girl! For both of you.
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