Remembering the first time I saw her face

Three years ago, today, I was still reeling from having lost Kaia only 2 weeks before.  I knew I had been moved back to number one in line, for the next referral, but I wasn't watching my email, I wasn't jumping for the phone. I remember not much caring one way or another-  I wasn't ready to care.

So, I honestly can't recall if it was a phone call, or an email that forewarned me that I was once again a mother in waiting, this time of a 3 month old, but I do remember opening the pictures, later.

I saw a beautiful little girl, but she wasn't Kaia.  I guess I had been expecting to see a carbon of my lost little girl who has been so frail, and small, so fragile, and had looked just like my dad.  My lost little girl had always looked like she needed me-

-this little girl, strong and solid looked like she was already telling the world where to go. (see the pic titled "the first time I saw your face" in my sidebar)  And, then I enlarged the picture and saw her face more clearly-  the mottling/rawness/discolorations all around her mouth and onto her chin and cheeks, and I got scared-  if I said "yes" to this child, would I lose her before I could ever hold her, too? 

I remember being on the phone with our agency director a long time that day.  She assured me that her own daughter, who happened to be in Ethiopia, loved on this baby regularly and that it was a fungus that was on its way out- nothing that would shatter my dream of being her mama, if I said yes.  I asked her to please send me a picture of this new baby, smiling-  that I had never seen my Kaia smiling...

When I woke the next morning, there it was-  a big, gummy, light up her whole face (the whole world!) smile on a little "mohawk" haired cutie.  I suppose I was always going to say "yes", but that smile made sure of it. 

(and, much, much later, I found out that my Malia entered the orphange the very day that my Kaia left it, forever...)

Today, three years later, I cannot count the number of times a day I see that smile- only now with a mouth full of gorgeous teeth- and I thank God that Malia is mine, and I am hers. 

Celebrating Referral Day # 3 with some mint chocolate chip ice cream :)