In the best interests of the child?

Most adoptive parents in North America will agree that one of the most excruciating parts of the process is the waiting:
to complete the homestudy
for various background checks
to complete the dossier
for gov't approval to adopt
for the REFERRAL
for court dates
visas and passports
and to bring the child HOME!!!

But, even with all of that, unless something terrible and unforeseen happens, it is pretty much a guarantee that the child will come home, and that makes the wait just a little more bearable.

When I speak to potential adoptive parents in Portugal about my journey to Malia, even as fraught with loss and heartache as it was, they are still surprised, even envious at how relatively quick it was, how reliable.  Even with the new path to Little Sista strewn with stumbling places and greatly elongated, I understand that I still have it relatively good-  I have real hope that it will happen (and as of today there have been 7 referrals recently from the new IA so the hope is growing stronger).   They do not.

Let me explain-  

About 18 months ago, I blogged about a couple I met there in the summer of 2008, who, after 4 YEARS in the process in Portugal, after regular visits to the 4 year old son they hadn't yet been given legal custody of but were in love with, and he with them, the government pulled the plug on their adoption. No solid reason was given. In their late 40's already, they didn't just lose this child, they lost the chance to ever be parents b/c now, they were also excluded due to age limitations.  

On this most recent trip, I learned another heartbreaking story- this one in my own family, though I had never been aware of it before. A second cousin and his wife, now in their late 60's, were, many years ago, in the very last stages of the adoption of a toddler girl whose birth mama had died. They had her in their arms, fostering her until the final documents arrived and could be signed off.  A priest (who in Portugal at the time was akin to a demi-god) came with a younger couple from up north. They took the child.  Even more tragically, my cousins later learned that when the adoptive mother became pregnant, she and her husband, distrupted the adoption, making the child a ward of the state, and thus, unadoptable by R and M, or anyone. I now understand the bitter aura I have always known to be almost papable in their home.

With stories like this being common (seriously I hear more horror than success), it is no wonder that whenever people come to realize that Malia is adopted (most assume she is biologically mine), they seem rather in awe. See, not only do I have her, but she came to me so young, and she is truly mine, forever- no one can change that.  This surprises them b/c the process is so long and difficult for Portuguese adoptive parents-  4 years is the average from start to finish- if there is a finish. It is uncertain and elitist at times (read: corrupt)- something I already knew from trying to adopt from Portugal in my early stages.  They speak of the children in the  SOS Villages that will never know true family, and of those abandoned daily who will be raised in orphanages, rather than allowed the right to have the care of families who will love them, but Portugal's laws are tight and bound in this area. Adoption still carries stigma, too, as evidenced by the inane comment made to my parents that Malia was adorable, now, but that just wait until she was older and "turned on them, beat them as adopted kids always do".  Adopting internationally is out of the question unless hoops too high and tight for a Cirque de Soleil artist are jumped (and a great deal of dirty cash exchanged)

But, there is no "need" to go outside the borders-   Malia and I were in Portugal 16 days over the Holidays and in that time, 18 babies and toddlers made the news as having been abandoned by their birth mothers at maternity centers and orphanages...18.  Most, bi-racial, and in the mentality of much of that society, even today, "less" than a white child, but to parents waiting to BE parents, it wouldn't matter one little bit, but the majority of these little ones will never know the joy of a forever family, or any family, really.  I can't accurately describe what watching the news stories about these kids brought and just left did to my heart. The "white"babies didn't make it here b/c there is a "market" for them... (and I'll let you decipher that one on your own)

Though I was only 8 months old when I left, I truly love Portugal and am nurturing that love in Malia, but I am disappointed in the little progress, little respect that my home country has for the process/institution that made me a mother, and for its own children, really, when you think about it.  I wish it could change and I so feel for those who look at us with hurt...

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And now a look at my goofy kid making a "dinosaur face" just b/c this post was a little heavy and this FACE is anything but!  LOL