I am always searching for good books to add to Malía's "library". If they have an adoption theme, I am especially interested.
Just now, I found this and it, and the essay it includes, for adoptive parents, brought up something I wrestle with when I tell Malia her life story- "the sacrifice and love" involved in placing a child in an orphanage, or directly into another home; the reasons the birth moms felt they had to do it. (and this book is written by a birth mom)
Malia knows she was born in Ethiopia, and lately I have been showing her the one grainy, photocopied pic off her Enat's Identity Card, that I have- trying to introduce the concept of having grown in this woman's "tummy" before I became her forever Mama. I tell her how B. loved her so much, but couldn't keep her b/c she was just too poor, and then I find myself stopping and worrying that Malia will feel guilt for this- that she was a burden, a mouth to feed, not wanted.
Just now, I found this and it, and the essay it includes, for adoptive parents, brought up something I wrestle with when I tell Malia her life story- "the sacrifice and love" involved in placing a child in an orphanage, or directly into another home; the reasons the birth moms felt they had to do it. (and this book is written by a birth mom)
Malia knows she was born in Ethiopia, and lately I have been showing her the one grainy, photocopied pic off her Enat's Identity Card, that I have- trying to introduce the concept of having grown in this woman's "tummy" before I became her forever Mama. I tell her how B. loved her so much, but couldn't keep her b/c she was just too poor, and then I find myself stopping and worrying that Malia will feel guilt for this- that she was a burden, a mouth to feed, not wanted.
Simultaneously, I worry that she will feel her birthmother is very sad over having had to bring her to the orphanage, and is still grieving (and this one really tears at me b/c I have no idea.. maybe she is). I worry that maybe one day she will resent me for being able to give her a better life than the one she was born into, for taking her from her first family, from her culture, from her continent.
Today, we were at the park. There was a Jamaican man there with his biracial son. Jamaican (and Mexican) seasonal workers are ubiquitous in our area, so Mal has definitely seen other people of African heritage. This man, though, seemed to fascinate her. He was a beautiful skin colour, like rich, freshly brewed coffee. She climbed down off of the jungle gym, leaving me and her little friend, and walked over to stand in front of the man. She said hello. He was on his cell, and simply smiled at her. She went closer and I could see her openly studying his legs (he had on long shorts), his bare arms, his face, his hair (locs). She then climbed right up beside him on the bench, and kneeled facing him. Gently, and with obvious awe, she ran her hand along his arm, from shoulder to elbow. Then she got down and came to me with the cutest little smile on her face.
UNcharacteristically, she did NOT ask about him again, nor did she say anything to him, and I have to wonder what she was thinking, maybe remembering.
Later, in bed, we were reading Emma.and.Mommy.Talk,to.God and there is an illustration of a number of people, of various races, held in God's hands. Even though one was an African child, Mal pointed to the white baby and proclaimed it "like Ma'ia". She pointed to a woman who looked very much like me, and dubbed her Mama, and to an older woman and dubbed her, Vó-Vó. It's obvious she was going by "role", rather than race. She didn't seem to see the colour of the skin, which is good, right? It means she sees herself IN this family, not with any difference, right? ... yet she did see "difference" with the man in the park.
I have saved the birth mom book into my "cart" (though I wish I could see inside it before buying, even if the 3 reviews are very good) I want Malía to know her full story- well, as much as I know, anyway (I wish I knew more...) and I want to tell it to her in a way that she feels whole, normal, "right" in every way about ALL the brought us together, about who she is. Maybe this book can help a little more with that.
Funny, when I first waited for her, even after I had her in my arms for quite a long time, these things didn't really "matter" to me. I mean, the thought I gave them was fleeting, at best. And now- now, as I watch my baby grow, change, learn, KNOW- I think about them all the time.
Today, we were at the park. There was a Jamaican man there with his biracial son. Jamaican (and Mexican) seasonal workers are ubiquitous in our area, so Mal has definitely seen other people of African heritage. This man, though, seemed to fascinate her. He was a beautiful skin colour, like rich, freshly brewed coffee. She climbed down off of the jungle gym, leaving me and her little friend, and walked over to stand in front of the man. She said hello. He was on his cell, and simply smiled at her. She went closer and I could see her openly studying his legs (he had on long shorts), his bare arms, his face, his hair (locs). She then climbed right up beside him on the bench, and kneeled facing him. Gently, and with obvious awe, she ran her hand along his arm, from shoulder to elbow. Then she got down and came to me with the cutest little smile on her face.
UNcharacteristically, she did NOT ask about him again, nor did she say anything to him, and I have to wonder what she was thinking, maybe remembering.
Later, in bed, we were reading Emma.and.Mommy.Talk,to.God and there is an illustration of a number of people, of various races, held in God's hands. Even though one was an African child, Mal pointed to the white baby and proclaimed it "like Ma'ia". She pointed to a woman who looked very much like me, and dubbed her Mama, and to an older woman and dubbed her, Vó-Vó. It's obvious she was going by "role", rather than race. She didn't seem to see the colour of the skin, which is good, right? It means she sees herself IN this family, not with any difference, right? ... yet she did see "difference" with the man in the park.
I have saved the birth mom book into my "cart" (though I wish I could see inside it before buying, even if the 3 reviews are very good) I want Malía to know her full story- well, as much as I know, anyway (I wish I knew more...) and I want to tell it to her in a way that she feels whole, normal, "right" in every way about ALL the brought us together, about who she is. Maybe this book can help a little more with that.
Funny, when I first waited for her, even after I had her in my arms for quite a long time, these things didn't really "matter" to me. I mean, the thought I gave them was fleeting, at best. And now- now, as I watch my baby grow, change, learn, KNOW- I think about them all the time.
8 comments:
so much to ponder...thankfully, as she gets older her questions will deepen and become more direct. (which gives you lots of time to figure out ......) you can answer what it is the she wants to know.
I think the most important things for us to remember is to love and be honest with our kids. Admitting our own confusion (I wish I knew, but I just don't) and depth of emotion around these kinds of big subjects can really help our children to feel that they are not alone. We need to give them the love/support and tools to deal with their lives in all aspects...even the moments when they might resent us...because these things will always bring them back to the root and the truth..that they are loved, that who they are is wonderful, and where they come from is a very big part of who they are.
I have spent so much time on this subject...its one of those things that doesn't have an answer...its different for everyone. I struggle sometimes with the fear that somehow all the love I give won't be enough...but then I see how she responds to that love and I FEEL the bonds of it and KNOW that love like this can heal all kinds of wounds. and while we may not be able to answer all of the questions our children have about their roots, it can provide them with strength to seek.
(Be forewarned I'm not a fan of these books)
Something I have been learning about the adoption picture books I've read is that the language and stories are generalized - especially where the birth mom is concerned. Just as every child is different, so is their story especially as it applies to the adoption experience.
The wording comes from the adoptive family's perspective. The word choices gloss over the birth mom's experience and neglect the truth for a more romantic version of what adoption is. Though I realize this is done to reach a child's level of understanding and even provide comfort, they are much too generic.
In the long run by using these books as a voice to tell my child's story, I think it spares her the truth. And one thing I know about kids - they already know their truth deep down in their soul though they don't have the words to describe it. The imprints have been left.
So many of us don't have the truth as to what our child's birth mom was feeling or even what her situation was/is and I'm uncomfortable with books that attempt to speak for her.
In many cases not every birth mom made a "loving" choice when the child they gave birth to came into care. Some in fact made ones out of desperation - such as in cases of rape and incest. What picture book could ever summarize that experience for a child? What words do adoptive families choose then to convey to a child that they were loved and wanted by their birth mommy.
The place I'm in now is to keep the conversation quiet and let M begin it again when she wants to. I've tried to do things as my social worker suggested and it is too confusing for my little one right now. All she wants to know at this point is that she is loved and special to the family she has (like every child adopted or not). All she wants is to be in love with the mommy and daddy she wakes up to every day and feel her place in this family.
Perhaps later she will ask the questions she needs to and my answers won't come from a book but my heart.
(To the other extreme, the ET culture lets a child grow up to figure out they were adopted for themselves. You can imagine the conflict at our house!)
Great post L. Definitely a subject that I think about a LOT with both of my kids. Especially since they both come from VERY different backgrounds and became available for adoption under VERY different circumstances. Even with the little amounts of info we have for each of them, I know that there are going to be some really tough topics to tackle in our house so thankfully, I've got a bit of time to think about it!
I do think I'm in agreement with what the above commenter Nancy says about these books though. I do have a couple that I've bought for the kids that have beautiful stories but never really capture exactly what I want to say about their birth Moms or their adoption stories. And since Zia and Isaiah came to us in different ways, I doubt we'll ever find the perfect books that explain things the way they should be from all sides of the adoption triad.
My best suggestion - why not write a book for Mal yourself? You could use Shutterfly.com (or any other of the book publishing sites) where you can include pictures of your family, and the picture of Mal's Enat, and maybe some pictures of Ethiopia etc. We wrote one for Zia and she LOVES it. We are working on one for Isaiah now too. And the best part is that you can take your time and really think about the wording you want to use. Plus, what kid doesn't LOVE seeing themselves in a book?!
I think alot of adopted parents struggle with these issues. Have you thought about making her your own book? One that reflects just her story...I bet you have the talent to write it and use pictures you already have and get it bound either at school or a copy center... You could even make it based on her age and add on as the time goes on and her understanding grows.
I have a book I had made for C but he honestly shows no interest or undertanding...All he knows it that there are no cars or trucks in it. LOL
I never thought this post would inspire such thoughtful, long comments. However, a couple of you have misunderstood, a little. I am not wanting to use a book in lieu of telling Mal her story, but to help the understanding, the dialogue, only. A resource, as we teachers are found of employing :)
As for writing her own story myself- yes, that has ALWAYS been the plan and I want to get it done before Little Sista comes home b/c if I think I am time challenged now- yikes :)
This brought tears to my eyes. I think you are a fabulous mama and together you and Malia will piece together her story with a whole lot of love and grace.
wow! I found your blog by clicking on random things on blogspot and I have been reading it for hours! I almost feel guilty that I haven't done much all day! My dream is to one day adopt a sibling for my lil' one! you are truly truly blessed to have a sweet little girl!
Best,
Gia
We have a couple books that consistently open up dialog about beginnings.
The Motherbridge of Love - Absolutely lovely book. The words are that an anonymous poem (I'll put it below). Gorgeous book. Took much practice to be able to read this one without crying. Figs is fairly recently starting to open up dialog after reading it, but I see good things because what she is bringing up is deep and powerful.
A Mother for Choco - No back story about how Choco ended up without a family, which makes it work a much broader audience. Figs is moving past this one now, but it was a great tool for a long time. Very flexible book.
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes - Another practice to read without tears book. This is our longest running dialog starter. Figs very much relates to the little girls in the big room. She knows she shared a crib and had nannies and loves to relate that part of her story to the book. She knows that I flew on a plane to meet her, etc. Not a birth story starter, but a good adoption book, especially for singles.
Mother Bridge of Love
Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.
Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star; the other became your sun.
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.
One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me, through your tears,
The age-old question unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.
-Anonymous
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