Mortality

Once upon a time, I would get really sick, or go for surgery, or whatever and it was no big deal. My feeling was, "oh well, no worries". It's not that I didn't care if things turned out well, just that I didn't think much about the outcome. Sometimes, I would even picture who would come to my funeral.

But now- now, with a child, it's different.

I go in for surgery exactly one week from today. Nothing major. Nothing that should even keep from updating Malia's blog a couple of days later. The procedure, itself, is supposed to take less than an hour. My surgeon is the Lexus/Mercedes of his field.

Yet, I can't go into with the same "whatever" attitude.

My mom went in for a knee replacement in February 2007. A simple procedure- she'd had it twice before. This time she fought for her life for 3 days in ICU- was given the "Last Rites" and all. Then spent 6 weeks in hospital. She was still there when I had to leave for Ethiopia, leave to go get my baby girl, her Grandaughter. I am so happy that she was home when we got home, even if she stayed on oxygen for over a year, afterward.

And, so I have written Malia a letter. It's not long,- 4 hand written pages (dear God what years of marking has done to my once pretty cursive!) of a journal, but I want her to know, (should anything unexpected happen) without a doubt, how very loved she is, and to leave her my hopes and wishes for whomever she becomes. I want her to know that I will always be there- that I know Jesus will allow me to touch her hair as she sleeps, to put my arms around her when she cries, to whisper in her heart when she needs me. I just don't want to go into this without something "tangible" for her when she is older.

They say if you dwell on something that is what you will attract, so no, I will not dwell. I will picture her coming with my parents to pick me up from the hospital, two days later. I will picture myself pushing her on the swings a week after that. I will picture myself bringing her to the computer to "meet" Little Sista, getting on a plane with her to go get her, on her first day of "big girl school", at her grade 8 graduation, holding her when a boy breaks her heart (and holding myself back from beating up the little f*cker!), I will picture myself helping her find her first apartment, and crying with LS b/c we miss her already... I will simply picture myself there, very much alive, always in her life- at least for a very, very, VERY long time to come.

For those of you who pray, please pray with me on Wednesday. For those who do not, just a little happy our way would be good. Burning stuff, naked dance rituals, sacrificing a watermelon, all welcome also.

In the meantime, I will place the letter on her bookshelf. The link to this blog will also be there.
And, hopefully, with Grace, I will remove the letter again on Friday, July 17th and put it in her memory box, unopened. :)