"Mama, my bum-bum hur's"
"Really, honey? Do you have to go poo-poo?"
"No. Bum-bum hur's tau-tau. I cwy." (tau-tau is a portuguese name for getting "paddled")
"What? You got spanked?"
"Yes. ______________ (she says the name of the daycare owner/leader) hurted me."
"Malía are you sure? What happened."
"I get tau-tau (an expression I myself never use, btw) _________________." (name of the woman again)
"Mal, why? Why would ____________ hit you? Did you do something? Did you hit someone, first?"
"Yes, toys"
"You hit someone b/c of toys?"
(nods head)
"But, the boy hit you right? The boy is the one who gave you tau-tau?"
"No, ________________. I cwy."
****
This was on the way home and we weren't even talking about her day, at first. She usually goes to Daycare on Wednesdays, but my Dad has the flu so ended up there, today, instead. I asked them if she'd been good, and I was told yes, just that she didn't nap. Malía is 2... she has no model for lying ...she's telling the truth, right? What do I do?
I called the Daycare and left a message that I just "want to clarify something Malía is saying" and to please call back. So far, no response.
My heart is in my mouth.
a) she says she was hit by a caregiver
b) the lady is the daughter of my parents' best friends AND we have cousins in common...
Again, what do I do? How do I handle this?
UPDATE:
Thank you all who responded with some much concern and solid advice.
The daycare lady called and I told her that I had, had an od conversation with Malia and was wondering if Mal got in trouble today and had to be disciplined. She said that Mal did nothing wrong at all today, and in fact even got along with R (a boy who scraps with her on occasion). I pressed saying she's told me she got in trouble b/c of hitting over a toy. Again, I was told she was good absolutely all day; that she hadn't hit anyone. Finally, I just laid out the conversation. At first she seemed at a loss and then suddenly burst out laughing (but not like she was making fun, or anything). Apparently, her mom (who helps out there sometimes ) was putting Mal down for her nap and Mal was poking her eyes, ears etc. C asked her to stop a couple of times, Mal persisted and in her play knocked C's glasses off. C swatted her hand away "portuguese style" (and I knew exactly what that meant) and told her that if she continued she'd get tau-tau. Mal began to cry hysterically at the threat. Then, she hiccuped and passed gas all at once, while still crying. The ladies were laughing at her expression and C, who was laying beside her play paddled her bum and said she was getting a tau-tau for gassing them out. Mal didn't like it and instead of laughing, as they expected, cried harder and refused to sleep.
I asked why then she said he bottom hurt, without my soliciting the info and she said Mal had complained about that a few times over the day.
Now, to some of you, this may seem like a "story" to cover, but I know my girl. She definitely DOES get very sensitive at the slightest suggestion of a reprimand AND today was day 4 of no poo (she did go tonight but with lots of fear of the pain, first) so she likely did associate having her bum play paddled with the real thing.
The only thing that still remains a mystery is why she'd say she was bad today and had hit someone over a toy, and why she'd blame the daycare owner for the spanking and not the lady's mom.
Could she have hit a kid (likely R) without anyone noticing? Could she then associate the play spanking with the real thing b/c she felt badly?
And could she be blaming the daycare lady b/c it's her house?
I feel out of sorts right now. My first loyalty is to my baby, and I'm having a hard time with what the story doesn't "explain", but also knowing Mal is 2 and maybe she did misinterpret.
Here are my certainties- she's only there once a week as it is, I know they kiss and love her up a lot, I know the family well, and have never known any of them to hurt a child (and as a couple of you have said, it's one thing to spank your own if they need it- Mal ran away from me in a parking lot this weekend as a joke, and got a quickie on the bum), they have a hard time even putting Mal in time out when she allows herself to be provoked by R, Mal loves going AND, I have plans to start Mal at a french immersion preschool (if we can get in) for September.
ALSO (and maybe most importantly) they now know Mal tells me what goes on there. I am thinking even play paddling will no longer happen knowing she is fully capable of "reporting" to Mama.
For now- benefit of the doubt- it's all I can do.
10 comments:
Let them respond. But I would be believing my own child. She's two!!!!! She doesn't know how to lie. With that much description from Mal I would be alarmed.
Is this a licensed/accredited facility?
As a parent I would have zero tolerance for this one. It needs to be reported to their licensing board.
Well. I would say she got spanked, for sure. I would definitely want to hear what they had to say, and I would listen quizzically, the way it sounds like you've done, like "I'm not sure I'm understanding her, can you explain the circumstances, etc" and not in an accusing manner, if you want to get as much of the story as you can. And then I guess you've got to decide how you feel about it, and what you can do about it. I have spanked my own kids, but I definitely would not let someone else spank my kids. But also as a single mom, how fast can you find other daycare, etc? Do you feel like you can make it clear that you do not spank, do not allow your child to be spanked, and that staff will follow your wishes? Or will they do whatever they want?
I would believe her too. I would drive myself there to clarify this if they dont call you back in a timely manor.
I agree. Zero tolerance for this. Someone hit your baby girl...in no way is that ok.
I would believe her. You even tried to have her say it was someone else, and she said no, it was ___. Believe your girl. Obviously you already do. I agree with Nancy -- report it to the board. It is definitely uncomfortable given the non-business connection you have with ___, but it has to be done. That's not okay. As for moving her, I don't think that is unreasonable. It's not ideal, but neither is dropping off your favorite girl where she feels unsafe. My instinct would be to have her somewhere else tomorrow (friend or family), and look at moving her ASAP. It may seem extreme, and it may have been a "little" hit (if such a thing exists), but it is still not okay. Especially from someone who is not you.
Sorry this has happened to you guys. It's gotta make your heart ache.
I would not give them too many leading questions..See what they have to say. Go in asking question's curiously not in an acusitory way..you may get a more honest answer. If the person who did it thinks that its "ok" with you they may be more opened. You know your daughter best. Did she have any marks..if she was still hurting on the ride home I would be concerned. If its a home daycare and they are sort of like family friends they may think this is acceptable to do with your child. Put a stop to that right away. You already know that if its true to move her immediately.
i agree with the others. that gave me a sick feeling to read that--i can't imagine what you are thinking. especially since she said it was still hurting her (either physically or emotionally).. we are all in agreement that it most likely did happen and i doubt you will feel comfortable leaving her there now, even if you do have a talk about what is acceptable or not.
i think i would look at other options as well. she should be ok there with a discussion in the interim while you find another place but for your own peace of mind i think elsewhere would be best.
((hugs))
You know in your gut. Follow it.
Mimi and I just enrolled in a French class. It was fun though I am the only parent that doesn't speak the language.
scary stuff!
I think you did all the right things, and my sense is that the daycare is being honest, as the person did not sound defensive, but just straight forward. Ultimately you have to go with your gut, but I have to say it's somewhat surprising to me how quickly some of the folks commenting are willing to crucify the daycare folks. Wow, tried and convicted before you even talked to them. I have three kids and I have had issues with their daycare provider, but I also know that she is a good person (why else would I leave my kids there), so when issues have come up, I've gone in with an open mind (as you did). I agree that kids don't know how to lie, but they don't always think or communicate in a linear fashion, so facts can get muddled. As I said, I would take it VERY seriously as you did, but it sounds like giving the benefit of the doubt is the right thing to do in this situation. Just my two cents worth.
How scary. I would def keep an eye on the situation and go from there. I hate that you are even having to worry about it though.
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