Once I had been home a while, once I had been able to truly process, I wrote the post below. I am re-posting it in the hopes that it might allay the fears/hurt/confusion of those not feeling that immediate bond. I cried as I re-read it tonight. I love Malia so crazy much, and still hurt that I could not feel it from the start...
Baby Love?...it took a while... (originally written June 7, 2007)
I love my daughter. Doesn't sound like to profound a statement; after all, the vast majority of mom's love their children. However, for me, this is now a realization that makes my heart sing b/c truth is, it wasn't always like that.
You know, they write a lot of books on what to do if the CHILD isn't attaching to the parent, but I have yet to see anything, myself, on the opposite scenario, and for the first about 4 weeks in Ethiopia, I was the one not attaching. I can't believe it now, but I wasn't.
I have always wanted to be a mom. I mean at 16 I had names picked out: Melissa for a girl, Michael for a boy. Ordinary, now, but the stuff of dreams, then. The names changed over the years, but the desire only grew stronger, so when I left March 14th to finally go and meet my baby girl, I was so ready to just feel total love at first sight. It didn't happen. Oh, I thought she was beautiful, and I was grateful she was mine. I had a bit of a hard time grasping the concept, but knew I was now, mom, but the overwhelming emotion I expected to feel didn't happen.
When we brought her "home" to the Guest House, I was happy, but something was missing. I wanted to tell someone, be reassured, and my BF was right there, but I was too ashamed. In the meantime, I watched other adoptive moms bring their children "home" and immediately be talking about how much they loved them, how they felt like "theirs", how full their hearts were. I wanted to feel that. I wanted to feel that so much, but all I felt was tired from lack of sleep and terrible fear that this little baby who depended on me, who I dutifully did everything for, who I went through the "motions" of total love: kisses, hugs, songs, rocking etc, would never feel like mine.
The day my BF left, 3 weeks into my stay in Addis, was the worst day for feeling dis-attached. I do not say unattached b/c that implies I felt withdrawn, and I did not. I say dis-attached (making up my own word) b/c I wanted to be attached, I just couldn't. It was the worst not b/c he left, but b/c now I KNEW it was just me and her, and with her screaming so loudly and sooooo unconsolably for the majority of that day (I think she felt his absence acutely) I felt myself terribly frightened that I had made a mistake, somehow. That this was not the right baby for me b/c if she was, I'd be crazy in love with her, already, I wouldn't be seeing her so objectively, constantly comparing her to other little girls (and mine somehow coming up short...) I mean, it had been 3 weeks...
A few days later, a number of the families adopting together were having dinner in one of their hotel rooms, when the host mom pulled out her journal and showed us where she had written her son's name and a big heart and her pledge of love to him. The others chimed in with their "love" stories. I looked at my little girl playing between my outstretched legs and my own fear that I would never attach, intensified. I begged God to please let me feel love for her, not duty, not obligation, not agitated tolerance (at night this was very strong b/c she often only slept 45 minutes to an hour at a time before waking, screaming) not "like", but full out love. I had to wait fully another week, but then one day, no warning, no fanfare, there it was, a glow when I looked at her, an intensity when I held her, a realization of how beautiful she was, a warmth that kind of defies description, and I just knew- I love you, MY little girl.
I've had a chance now to look back at those first few weeks of non-attachment and I have also talked to a couple of parents, even biological parents, who do not find my story (as scared as I was to share it) strange b/c they, too, for various reasons, did not fall in love with their children "at first sight". One said it took him a almost a year, and now he is so insanely in love with this child, it hurts. :)
In reflection, I think I know why I kept my little girl at arms length, if only figuratively: -I had come from so much loss: miscarriage, an ectopic, a failed IVF, a bogus domestic adoption, a baby that I had attached to and loved, dead only days before I was to meet her... not attaching to Malía was the "safety" net my subconscious chose and -I was still grieving that I had not done what all woman are programmed to believe they can and must do, have their own biological child/children... even now, with her right here, with KNOWING and FEELING I love her so much, part of me still longs to carry a baby inside me, too... (edited to add Jan 5th 2008- I no longer feel that way)
It was hard to write this post, but I always knew I would b/c it had a happy ending, and maybe there is someone else out there, who might happen upon this, as scared as I was b/c he/she is also feeling dis-attached. Keep going through the motions, the love will come. It has to. I know, now, that you do NOT get the wrong baby. :)
Entry #131 Posted: Thu Jun 7, 2007 @ 14:07 (MDT) 6 Comments 0 Trackbacks
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6 comments:
This was absolutely how I felt as well. I had these two kids who needed everything and I was so overwhelmed! So I worked through the motions for the first couple months, I think. And then ever so slowly the love appeared. And I still have days that I just put one foot in front of the other. But I think that's just surviving the toddler years.... ;)
L, This was a beautiful, brave post and you have my utmost respect for sharing those feelings with us. Barb xo
I wish that more people would talk candidly about their experiences. I know many moms who felt (and feel) the same way. It is not a betrayal of their children. It is just a part of the process and the more open and honest we can be about it, the more able we are to heal and open our hearts to our children.
Great post.
What a gift; to share the truth of your experience! Truth resonates in a place within us that opens our hearts. It doesn't even matter if our experiences relate. It is that fact that you have opened your heart and spoken what lies hidden beneath. By doing this you invite others to do the same. To speak their truth and share their experiences without shame.
Thank You for sharing this. I am inspired.
Thanks so much for reposting this. I didn't read it the first time you posted it and it's so important. I think many more of us feel this way than we will ever know because people are to ashamed to talk about it. I definitely went through this with both of my girls, but especially with Medina. I think it's so important for us to talk about the tough stuff to take away the stigma.
I am always glad to read about the adjustmet and journey of others. We have four bio kids and attaching to them was a non-issue, it was instictive. Attaching to our new son from Haiti has been more difficult. I have felt the journey to love him was not so much an instinct but a learned behaviour on my part.
He will be home 6 months next week and we are still a work in progress.
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